Saturday, November 15, 2008

Funny stuff

Military Cutbacks

The Taxi Ride
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

Gas Problems
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"
The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Baby Talk
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?""No," said his mom, "Of course not."Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Yesterday i was taking a break in the back garden after nasty storms, and my wife upstairs was having a shower.I couldn't find the rake so I yelled up to her: "Honey, where's the rake?".She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?".I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. My wife wasn't sure and said, "What?". I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE".My wife replied that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her bum, and finally to her crotch. Well, I had no idea what in god's name she was on about, so I trudged up the stairs, poked my head into the bathroom and asked her, "What the heck was that?".


Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates." About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"


Dorcas said...

Oh Lauren!
Where did you come up with these? Some of them are really cute! I had to read the last one to Uncle Dennis :o))

Denise said...

LOL Gave me some chuckles. :)